Saying “No”
“Love yourself enough to set boundaries. Your time and energy are precious. You get to choose how you use it. You teach people how to treat you by deciding what you will and won’t accept.”
Hello Reader,,
As adults, saying "No" can be one of the most challenging responses. I often hear from my clients that they have agreed to do things they want to decline. When I ask them why they said yes instead of no, they often tell me that they did not want to disappoint or hurt others or they did not know how to stand up for themselves. It's important to remember that we cannot do everything, help everyone, or please everyone. I advise my clients to prioritize self-compassion and value and to let go of the expectation of being liked by all. Saying "No" is crucial to creating space in our lives to rest, recharge, and build a fulfilling and meaningful life on our own terms.
It is common for many people to grow up believing that saying "No" is negative because it can lead to rejection, selfishness, or authority being used against us. When we were children, we had no choice but to obey those in charge, and if we tried to assert ourselves, we were often disciplined. Because of this, we were often discouraged from advocating for ourselves and struggle with direct communication and self-assertion as adults. However, as adults, taking ownership of our needs and wants is more important than ever. By embracing the power of "No," we can take control of our lives and replace negative perceptions of this word with a newfound sense of empowerment.
We have much more control over our lives now, and it is essential to change our perspective on the word "No." By researching what we need, reflecting on our commitments, and using the power of "No" constructively, we can invest our time where it matters most and reduce feelings of guilt or shame. Remember, advocating for yourself is a powerful form of self-care that can reduce stress and improve your overall well-being.
It's important to remember that rejection, selfishness, and authority are a part of life, and we will inevitably encounter them when we use the word "No." But rather than seeing it as a negative thing, we can use it to focus on what we can control and gain a clearer perspective on the actions we need to take. For instance, if a colleague is upset because we can't help them with a shift change, we can acknowledge their feelings while accepting that it's beyond our control and offer to help another time. The key is to focus on what we can control and use that power to become assertive advocates. It's not always easy, but with practice and a compassionate attitude towards ourselves, we can learn to use the word "No" to our advantage and take control of our lives.
Once you have permitted yourself to say "No" and have thought about how you will stand up for yourself, the next step is to put it into practice. It may take some time to feel comfortable saying "No," but the more you examine why you are saying it, the easier it will become. Encouraging self-talk can also help to boost our confidence in saying "No" when necessary and to understand that prioritizing our own needs is not something to feel guilty about.
There are many ways to say no. However, I would like for you to be successful in saying no, so here are some tips:
Be Direct: do not beat around the bush or be wishy-washy; when you do this, people can misinterpret what you are saying and try to accommodate you to get what they want.
Example of being direct: Unfortunately, I’ll need to pass on this.
Example of being indirect: I’m not sure. Maybe I can make it.
Apologies or I’m Sorry (optional): when expressing an apology, you are representing you have regretted saying No. Consider if you regret having to say no or not. If so, apologize; if not, leave it out.
Express Gratitude: let the person know that you appreciate them thinking of you while being direct with what you need.
For Example: Thank you for thinking of me. Unfortunately, I’ll need to pass on this.
Explanation (optional): I advise my clients not to give a reason when saying no because people do not need the information. It also allows you to move freely without judgments and opinions about your choices. However, this is solely your decision, and I will advise you to give fewer details and make it short. If people want more information, they will ask but are usually too timid to ask for more information.
For example, I appreciate this opportunity and thank you for asking. Unfortunately, I’m booked all month long.
Offer an alternative (optional): Sometimes, you cannot say yes to a situation, but you may want to participate in the future or help in other ways. In this case, offer something you are comfortable giving or doing.
For example:
I appreciate you thinking of me. Unfortunately, I’m booked on this day, but keep me in mind for the future.
Thank you so much for the invite! I cannot make it; however, I will send a gift for replacement.
I am sorry you are having such a difficult time, and I cannot stay on the weekend; I am free now. How can I support you now?
When we relinquish our power, we increase the likelihood of negative effects on our self-worth and value. As an independent individual, it is important to advocate for yourself and take control of your well-being. Therefore, it is crucial to be mindful of not over-committing yourself just to be cooperative, accepted, or to avoid hurting someone's feelings. By reducing our workload, we can focus on what truly matters: ourselves.
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Many blessings, and remember, you are a miracle!