Boundaries
“A lack of boundaries invites a lack of respect. ”
One essential thing to success is learning to set and keep boundaries that benefit you, your well-being, and others around you. A common interpretation of the word boundaries is that walls are going up to make it difficult to cross. Boundaries are not meant to be walls that shut people out or limit life; they are intended to protect you by helping you prioritize your life. They give us a perspective on priorities and how to spend our time and energy wisely by saying no to things and people we don't want in our lives and saying yes to those we do. This makes it easier to focus and act on the most critical things in your life and allows us to be clear about what is acceptable and what isn't for us, which is why we will start setting and keeping boundaries by learning tips on how to do it.
The first step to establishing boundaries is accepting the limitations you must create. To do this, we must let go of the mindset that boundaries are only limiting because this will only set you up for failure. Boundaries are not to hurt other people or not about focusing, controlling, or punishing the other person. We may want someone to do something different, but we cannot control their actions or behaviors. If our focus is trying to change the other person, it will feel like boundaries aren't working for us because they aren't. It is time to shift your focus to what you can control, yourself. Boundaries are about your motivation to control yourself while keeping a mindset that you are responsible for your actions and behaviors that focus on your self-care, safety, and sanity. Boundaries help clarify where everyone stands and how much access we can give them. When we allow someone to have access without responsibility, its leads to mistrust and abandonment, which is why we must take it upon ourselves to stop this person's access and influence in our lives with boundaries. Now you can establish this boundary with a mindset of being aware and understanding that a subject or activity is now hindering it with unhealthy patterns, which is what we want to change so we can live more safely and sanely.
The next step to setting boundaries is defining the boundaries. When we reach a situation where boundaries need to be established, explaining them clearly, truthfully, and directly is the best. We must do this because people cannot read your mind and do not know what you need or want. The best way to do this is to examine the situation and determine what the boundary will entail. Knowing personal wants and needs is essential here, so this should be discussed, and then you can communicate with them. There must also be a consequence when boundaries are crossed, so you must consider the result. Boundaries without real consequences will never be taken seriously. If we do not follow through with the consequence, then that person will eventually stop respecting what we have to say and ignore any attempts we have in the future to set boundaries. The consequence should be discussed, but it does not be justified or explained. The other person does not need to approve of the limits or consequences. You are informing the person of your needs, not debating the validity of your needs.
An example of this would be letting a friend know you will no longer be discussing their love relationship with them because it causes tension within your friendship. If the subject is brought up, you will politely remind them of the boundary and change the topic. All this information helps the other person understand that the limit is there now, and if it is crossed, it will be handled accordingly.
Now keep in mind that the person you are establishing boundaries with may not like or reject the boundaries being set, which does not mean the problem is the boundary. The problem is the other person's respect for the boundary, which is okay. Still, we must stay firm on our boundaries and consequences with dignity and respect while reminding ourselves that these boundaries benefit ourselves and our well-being because we are readjusting the other person's access to match the level of responsibility they have demonstrated. I also tell my clients that boundaries help them fight for the relationship. You don't have to keep fighting against unhealthy behaviors, attitudes, and patterns while eliminating resentments and frustrations.
You may also have to repeatedly remind others of your boundaries until they adjust to the new way of interacting. If you feel comfortable collaborating on boundaries with another person at any point, then allow that to happen. I remind my clients that there is more than one person in any relationship, and all parties need to be considered and heard while laying down the foundation of your relationship. When collaborating on boundaries, everyone's values matter, including the boundaries. The types of boundaries one might set depend on the circumstance and person. A person's boundaries with a romantic partner about communication may be very different from that same person's communication boundaries with a boss or coworker. I have provided a free outline for those who need help having clarity in defining boundaries. Fill out the form below to receive this worksheet.
Sometimes we can be the reason boundaries we set cannot be maintained. There are adverse effects when we don't maintain boundaries, such as low self-worth, self-respect, and self-trust, negatively impacting the people around us. Setting and adhering to boundaries builds resilience. When we lack limits, it causes chaos in our lives, which leaves us vulnerable to low self-worth, self-respect, and self-trust, negatively impacting the people around us, and this should not be a norm for us. Boundaries help us focus on what is acceptable for a healthy environment and exist to protect us by preventing destructive patterns before they occur, which allows us not to enable these patterns and follow through with what we need for ourselves. We may not be able to change the source of the chaos, but we can set boundaries within ourselves to stop the chaos from being destructive in our lives. Being motivated to control yourself and remembering that you are responsible for your actions and behaviors of your well-being and sanity helps you establish boundaries.Poor self-control leads to boundaries not being kept, which can lead to resentment, anger, and burnout, whereas a strong sense of self-control includes being able to set boundaries with yourself. Self-control enables us to achieve goals, evaluate alternative actions, and not give in to destructive impulses, which allows us to stay within the boundaries we have set for ourselves. These boundaries form the stage for emotions to stay more regulated, regain a sense of safety, and feel empowered to make changes to build resilience. For more skills on self-control, check out the self-control beaming blog HERE for more tips on how to gain control.
Establishing boundaries can be a daunting experience because our intention isn't to hurt others but to help our well-being. Remember, boundaries are not meant to be walls that shut people out. We are not trying to fix the other person, and we are staying focused on what is good, acceptable, and what you need for a healthy, stable environment for yourself. We are setting boundaries to clarify who we are and how to prioritize our needs and help us stop enabling behaviors hindering our lives. Boundaries are a preventative way of protecting yourself and everyone else around you.
Thanks for taking the time to read this blog, and remember, you are a miracle!
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